


Akuma-Chais

by Baneismydragon



Category: Miraculous Ladybug
Genre: Crack Fic, Hawk Moth reformation, Humor, Multi, coffee shop AU, just warning you now, this is totally rediculous, working in service is hard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-03
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-21 17:24:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9559532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baneismydragon/pseuds/Baneismydragon
Summary: Hawkmoth has decided to reform, however in order to win over the citizens of Paris he must be punished for his many crimes, crimes so dastardly and appalling that there is only one suitable punishment: customer service.Even with this change of heart, trouble is definitely brewing in the city





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the crack.  
> I don't know why I decided to write this- but here we are. 
> 
> Enjoy

This might have been the most insufferable press conference he had ever participated in, and that was certainly saying something.

The press had turned up in droves of course, anxious to see the first public display of the city’s notorious ex-villain. A decent sized crowd of civilians had chosen to attend as well, though, unsurprisingly, most had chosen to watch the televised rendition from the relative safety of their homes. 

 

The meticulously pre-rehearsed apology speech had gone well enough, with enough verbal groveling and implied tragic backstory to ensure a good reception. The proposed “rehabilitation program” they had been pushing for the last few weeks also seemed to be winning over the public, if the crowd reactions thus far were any indication. 

 

He had not, however, counted on Andre Bourgeois inserting his own lengthy speech into the mix. 

The insipid man had been droning on for the last hour about the  _ “tireless effort” _ that he and his associates had made to bring about this reconciliation. 

As if the grossly incompetent politician and his police squad of bread eating layabouts had in any way contributed to anything in the past 2 years. 

The only reason he was here was because he had voluntarily chosen to ally with the teen heroes in light of current circumstances. 

God knows the pair of superpowered vigilantes had more to do with the reduced crime rate in the city than anything Andre’s stooges had ever done.  

Hell the two children had even managed to pull of a more eloquent press conference speech than the narcissistic mayor when they had originally announced the arranged truce last month. 

Not to mention that the entire rehabilitation initiative, as anyone who could read could tell you, was spearheaded and largely funded by the influential business mogul Gabriel Agreste. 

Unfortunately as Gabriel Agreste was unavoidably detained and unable to be present for this historic occasion, Andre had apparently taken it upon himself to try to steal the spotlight. It was an election year after all. 

At least Hawkmoth could entertain himself by imagining the incredibly uncomfortable phone call that the insufferable twit would be receiving later that week from his less than amused campaign contributor. 

At least this exercise in political mastrabation was finally drawing to a close. 

Andre had finally introduced Ms. Nathalie Sancoeur- the overseer of the project- which meant this tedious event could finally move into its final stage. 

Thank God Nathalie had never been one to waste time with needless exposition. 

She stepped in from of the podium addressed him as well as the crowd. 

 

“Good afternoon Ladies and Gentleman, as Mayor Bourgeois has said I am Nathalie Sancoeur, the primary coordinator and manager of the rehabilitation and restitution initiative. As I am sure you have been informed Mssr Hawkmoth, it is my job to ensure that you have paid off your debt to society through public service. In addition, all the proceeds from the establishment, which my employer has so generously founded for this program-“ he could hear the sarcasm dripping from Nathalie’s voice, though he doubted any of the other onlookers save perhaps one would catch the subtle difference in her cadence, “-will be donated towards the foundation for Akuma related trama and emotional destress you yourself will be expected to put in a required number of hours as a good faith gesture.”

He tried not to roll his eyes as Nathalie continued to list off the various details of his servitude to him, as the surrounding crowd of politicians and law enforcement officials nodded along encouragingly.

It was hardly as though he needed to pay that much attention, the entire concept had been his idea after all. A grand public gesture to keep Andre and the others feeling like they had some semblance of control in a world where magically enhanced heroes waged war on otherworldly beings.

More importantly, it was an attempt to display a sense of contrition for his previous exploits. The proposal had given him a tentative foot in the door in regards to making amends with the teenage hero duo. It had been hard enough to convince them to join forces even in light of their more threatening foe, and if he was going to continue to ensure that they didn’t attempt to rob him of his miraculous he needed to make some concessions. 

All in all, a handful of hours of community service every week and the start-up capital for a local business establishment was a small price to pay.

Beside, at least Adrien had finally started speaking to him again when he proposed the scheme. That alone was worth the inconvenience.

“Now, if everyone would kindly follow me,” Nathalie said concluding her statement and pulling him out of his reverie, “I believe it is time to introduce you to our new business.”

He followed behind Nathalie as she descended the steps from the capitol building the rest of the committee trailing along from a safe distance and eagerly tailed by the substantial crowd that had turned up to attend the press conference.

For the first time he realized that he had never bother to actually check with Nathalie as to exactly what sort of plebeian work he was about to be subjected to. He had simply left the details entirely in her control. However, that also meant that he had no real idea what sort of business she had set up for this little charity project, and it certainly wouldn’t be anything that could risk exposing his true identity. He felt a brief shudder of dread as he caught sight of Ladybug and Chat Noir comfortably perched atop a small shop, holding a cloth banner over the entry display so as to ensure a grand reveal.

“Should I be concerned,” he whispered at his guide.

She turned towards him with hint of amusement in her eyes.

“I assume you Mssr Hawkmoth a great amount of thought and attention has gone into this project, and everything has been handled with the utmost consideration to your assorted skills and talents.”  

Uh oh.

He looked up nervously and locked eyes with the manically grinning Chat Noir.

No this was definitely not good.

“Ladies and Gentleman,” Nathalie called out to the eagerly waiting crowd, “May I present to you, our newest café.”

Oh god… oh no…

He looked up in horror as the two heroes pulled away the cloth to reveal the gleaming storefront logo.

**AKUMA-CHAIS** café and lounge.

“You have got to be kidding me,” he hissed turning to glare at Nathalie.

“Is something wrong Mssr?” she asked coolly, the corners of her mouth twisting into the slightest hint of a smile.

He opened his mouth to argue but the words died in his throat as Nathalie lifted a single eyebrow knowingly.

He couldn’t say anything. Not here, not now. Hawkmoth had absolutely no grounds upon which to object, and it would make no sense for the recluse villain to suddenly begin snapping at his “project supervisor” whom he had only officially met once before a few weeks earlier. And she knew it too.

“So,” he choked out as calmly as he could manage, “I’m going to be working… here?”

“That is correct,” Nathalie said the lightest tinge of humor coloring her voice. “You see my employer, who as you know provided the funds for this establishment, and came up with this rehabilitation program-“

“I am  _ well _ aware of that fact Ms. Sancoeur.”

“Well his wife used to work as a barista before they married.”

“You don’t say.”

“So when it was suggested that we could establish a café as our enterprise everyone thought it seemed like an appropriate choice.”

“I could have sworn I heard a rumor that your employer despises coffee, and in fact finds the smell rather revolting.”  

“You know I do believe you might be right,” Nathalie said, still managing to maintain her impeccable facade of nonchalance, “but his son was the one who proposed the idea and My employer does so value the happiness of his family.”

This is why it was never a good idea to make one's employees indispensable. They became far to pretentious.

“I suppose he came up with the name as well?”

“Oh no,” Nathalie said unable to hide the slight smirk she had been holding back up to this point, “That was Chat Noir’s idea.”

“Very funny.” 

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The madness continues! For those of you wondering yes there will be romance in the screwed up nightmare I am composing! But it might take a bit to get there, after all its hard to flirt at work.  
> Unless your Chat. In which case its just hard to flirt WELL at work. LOL 
> 
> Anyways enjoy part 2!

It was the middle of his first official shift at Akuma-Chais, and so far it had been… tolerable. 

The first half hour had of course been extremely busy, the same crowd of self absorbed attention seeking Parisian plutocrats and social climbers who had surrounded him on the day of the unveiling were eager to get their pictures helping the “rehabilitation” of the city’s notorious mask villain. However once the initial rush had died down and the media had met its minimum quota of footage it had died down considerably. 

Even the horrific smell of coffee had become more tolerable as he had been forced to grow more accustomed to it’s nauseating aroma. 

The highlight of the day had probably been when young Mlle Bourgeois had come sauntering in demanding her free monthly order, as promised to all Akumatized victims. 

The brazen chit had made a deliberate point of picking the most expensive thing on the menu without actually checking what it was. The look of absolute disgust on her face when she took the first sip had been priceless. 

 

Hawkmoth wondered if the girl had any clue that there had been a not small contingent of people who had proposed that she be forced to put in her own minimum of hours at this cursed cafe given her own impressive track record of provoking attacks in the first place.

Andre had, of course, crushed that idea into the ground. 

So far the Bourgeois girl had been the only victim to actually come in and claim her monthly restitution order, even when the regular, non ex super villain staff were working. 

Nathalie had made note of it in the daily reports. 

 

Right now the cafe was relatively quiet. A university age couple- who had according to Nathalie already established themselves as regulars- chatted quietly at one of the tables by the door, clearly hoping to show their progressive attitudes by patronizing such a controversial establishment. 

Aside from that an elderly lady was nursing a macchiato in one of the plush arm chairs surrounding the faux fireplace that had been installed for ‘ambiance’, and a middle aged businessman typed furiously on a laptop computer at the bar along the opposite wall. 

Nathalie, who was required to be there whenever he was on shift, was using the opportunity to take stock of inventory. 

Hawkmoth, having nothing better to do at the moment, absently studied the long list of names and descriptions of specialty drinks with their terrible pun filled names. He wondered with dismay if he would end up having them all memorized by the end of this whole affair. 

For the time being he was mostly reliant on the preparation guides strategically placed amidst the equipment for the staffs convenience, but he was fairly sure that he could already whip up a Mr. Pigeon’s cafe Coo-bano and a Mocha a la Marionnettiste unaided. 

 

A soft chime sounded and he immediately looked towards the door to see a small group of teens clammering in from the rain. 

He felt his heart drop to his stomach as umbrellas closed and he caught sight of a mop of perfectly styled golden hair. 

“Why don’t we grab the table closest to the fire, that way Marinette can warm up a bit,” Adrien said, guiding his trio classmates towards the table in question. 

“Good idea,” the loud Ladyblogger girl said, wrapping her arm around what looked to be the DJ Bubbles brat. Meanwhile, the shorter of the two girl, stared after Adrien with a look of undisguised adoration that the boy seemed completely oblivious to. Hawkmoth wondered amusedly how long THAT had been going on and if it would be worth the potential backlash if he made an effort to point it out later. 

Marinette Dupain-Cheng, if he remembered correctly. One of two children in that particular class who had never fallen under her influence. At least that girl seemed to have some emotional stability. And good taste from the looks of it. 

Hawkmoth pretended to clean the expresso press and frother- both already immaculate as Nathalie had insisted that if there were not customers then the first thing one should do is clean, and he had learned the hard way that one did not ignore orders from Nathalie Sancoeur when she was in a position to make your life difficult- as he shamelessly attempted to eavesdrop on the new arrivals conversation.  

“Why did we have to come here again?” sulked the Bubbler, casting a wary eye towards the counter where Hawkmoth pointedly ignored his steely gaze. 

“Because, we want to support the rehabilitation effort. Plus the money all goes to a good cause,” Adrien said lightly, shrugging off his coat and smiling happily as he looked around the small cafe. 

“I agree with Adrien,” the Dupain-Cheng girl added. Of course she did. “With everything going on it’s important to show a sense of unity, even towards people we don’t like.” 

“I think it’s great,” Ladyblog Wifi added, whipping out her camera and scanning it around the room. “Besides I promised my viewers a close up look of Hawkmoth in his new environment.” 

“So who all wants a drink?” Adrien asked, bouncing eagerly to his feet. 

“Maybe in a minute. I am going to wait and see if yours is poisoned first.” 

“Come on Nino, nothing bad is gonna happen.” 

“How do you know?” 

“I just do! Besides don’t you want to watch Hawkmoth have to prep you your very own specialty drink.” 

“Maybe later.” 

“Fine, how about you guys?” Adrien turned to the girls with a hopeful expression that caused another round of starry eyed blushes from the Dupain-Cheng girl. 

Hawkmoth wondered if he had ever looked so stupidly infatuated back in his youth. He certainly hoped not. 

“I really don’t think you are in a position to be throwing stones about people being idiots when it comes to love,” a calm voice stated behind him, causing him to start in surprise. 

Hawkmoth turned to stare at Nathalie, his brow furrowing in confusion. 

“You mutter under your breath when you are annoyed,” she clarified, raising an eyebrow, “I don’t even think you realize you are doing it half the time. Honestly it’s a miracle you have managed to hold onto your anonymity this long. Regardless I can’t have you mumbling unconscious insults at the customers so make an effort to keep yourself in check. 

Hawkmoth was glad that his mask hid his flaming face as Nathalie stared him down. 

It was bad enough having one’s flaws pointed out, it was infinitely worse when you didn’t even know that it was a problem you had in the first place. 

He grabbed up coffee cup and began unnecessarily drying it with a towel. 

He then proceeded to almost drop it when he felt a hand lightly settle on his shoulder. 

He turned, wide eyed towards an equally flustered Nathalie, who was staring at her own hand as if she had no idea how it had gotten there. 

“Well,” she said briskly pulling her hand away as if it had been burned, “back to work then.” 

For once he felt no stab of irritation at her command, instead he was more than happy to pretend to busy himself in any way possible. 

“Good afternoon,” a cheery voice from the other side of the counter greeted him. 

Great, just great. 

Hawkmoth fixed his attention on the grinning boy leaning casually against the counter. 

“Welcome to Akuma-chais, where the only emotion you need to fear is how much you will love our unique selection of coffees and other assorted beverages” he said with as much distain as he had the first time he had been forced to say the stupid spiel, “My name is Hawkmoth what can I get for you today?”  

Adrien gave him a wide devilish grin, theatrically holding up three fingers and listing off his order. 

“Well lets see, I need one large black coffee, one lucky charm latte, and for myself…” he pretended to think pursing his lips dramatically and wrinkling his brow in manufactured concentration, I think I’ll have a custom order. You can handle custom orders correct?”

Before he was able to issue any sort of retort, Hawkmoth heard a sharp, deliberate cough from behind him.  

“Yes, we do custom orders,” he ground out. 

“Perfect!” Adrien said. “In that case I would like a cinnamon mocha latte, but could you make it with cream please, none of that half and half watered down nonsense. Then add in a triple shot of espresso, but since that might make it a little bitter let’s also throw in a double shot of vanilla syrup and… oh lets go with five sugar cubes?”

“If you are quite finished-”

“Oh, no I forgot, I also need a double helping of whipped cream and a chocolate drizzle. Actually make that a chocolate and caramel drizzle. Thanks,” Adrien said. 

Hawkmoth glared at the deceptively innocent looking smile.

“Are you sure that is what you want to order?” he growled.

“Yes please,” Adrien replied lightly, the infuriating smile still plastered on his face.

“You do realize that there is more caffeine and sugar in this…  _ concoction _ than one should have in a week, much less a single drink.”

“I lead a very active life, I don’t think it will be a problem.”

“I doubt that your parents would approve of you consuming what might as well be battery acid.”

“Oh I doubt my father would even be around enough to notice. He is far too busy with his various activities.”

“Adrien-“

“Is there a problem?” Nathalie’s voice cut in from over his shoulder.

“Not at all,” Adrien smirked pulling out a credit card and sliding it down onto the counter. Of course it was for the joint account. “Mssr. Hawkmoth was just taking my order.”

Hawkmoth glowered, hoping to cower the boy with the unrepressed disapproval in his expression.

For a few seconds he honestly considered either 1. grabbing the nearest pair of scissors and cutting the bank card to shreds, or 2. dragging Adrien home for a woefully overdue talk, secret identities be damned.

“I said is there a problem?” Nathalie asked again softly, an unmistakable warning in her voice.

Adrien simply raised an eyebrow, his smile if anything getting wider.

“No,” Hawkmoth ground out at last through clenched teeth.

He dropped his gaze, swiping the card and slamming it back onto the counter before beginning preparations on the monstrous creation.

Adrien, seemingly content with his victory hurried back to his table where his wary looking friends were still huddled together.

“You brought this on yourself you know,” Nathalie whispered, her gaze trained on her tablet so that no one watching would even notice that she was speaking to him, “so unless you want to make things more complicated than they already are I suggest you suck it up, sir.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bwahahahaha poor hawkmoth must learn to cope with the trials and tribulations of service industry. And this wasn't even a bad day! 
> 
> Next time- a whole lot more HawkNath, Nooroo finally makes an appearance, and Hawkmoth is faced with the most terrifying concept imaginable- weekly staff meetings with his fellow employees


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was not the chapter I intended to write, but it was the chapter that wanted to be written. Don't worry we will see more of Hawkie's misadventures with customer service in the next chapter.

“Nathalie?” Gabriel Agreste asked as he stared down at the copy of his weekly schedule. 

“Yes sir?” she replied, not even looking up from her own desk across the room. 

“Why do I have two staff meetings scheduled on Thursday? If the employees are so dysfunctional that they need to be over seen twice in one day perhaps we would be better off acquiring some new staff.”

“Actually sir the evening meeting would be the staff meeting for your other job.” 

“My other- you can’t be serious.” 

“Hence why it’s notated in purple.” 

“You color coded my schedule?”   
“It seemed more appropriate than spelling out mandated community service for the past 2 years I spent committing magical terrorism.” 

“For the thousandth time, no one died, there wasn’t even any lasting physical or property damage!” 

“And that somehow makes it so much better,” she muttered under her breath. 

“What?” 

“Nothing sir.” 

Gabriel scowled, pulling off his glasses and pinching the bridge of his nose. “If you have something to say Nathalie just say it.” 

The were several moments of silence during which Gabriel could almost hear the gears in Nathalie’s head turning as she debated whether or not to engage. 

“Alright,” she said, turning away from her computer to look at him, “if you must know, I think you need to put more effort into this whole project.” 

“Oh for God’s sake, fine I will attend the stupid staff meeting-” 

“That’s not what I am talking about,” Nathalie interrupted, swiveling in her chair so that she was actually facing him, “Gabriel…” 

They both stiffened at the use of his given name, but after a few moments Nathalie gathered her resolve and pressed on anyways. 

“Gabriel,” she said again softer but still firm, “I’m talking about Adrien.” 

“I know.”  

 

…

 

“Hey, wanna come with me to Akuma-chais after class today?” Adrien said, sliding down into the bench next to his best friend. Nino shot him an icy glare. 

“No. Not again I am putting my foot down.” 

“Come on.” 

“Adrien you have already dragged me there twice this week.”

“I’ll pay.”

“I don’t understand why you even like that place so much. Besides every time we go HE is there.” 

Adrien tried to look innocent as he fiddled with the hem of his shirt. 

“Well, its a rehabilitation program for Hawkmoth so of course he is going to be there sometimes.” 

“Yeah but dude, he has literally been there every time we have gone, and it’s too nice a day to spoil it with the presence of my least favorite person in existence.” 

“I thought Chloe was your least favorite person in existence?” Alya asked as she arrived at their usual meeting spot, her bag slung casually over one shoulder.

Nino tilted his head back and Alya gave him a playful kiss on the nose.  

“Nah,” he said with a grin, “she’s just my least favorite person in this school. In existence she barely makes the top five.” 

“What’s the full list then?” Alya ask, leaning down and wrapping her arms around her boyfriend's shoulders and resting her chin atop his head. 

Adrien tried to fight back the small pang of jealousy at the casual intimacy. As much as he loved his friends it was sometimes discouraging how nauseatingly happy and comfortable they were together, whereas he had barely ever made it past a third date. 

Nino cleared his throat dramatically. 

“In reverse order- 5. Chloe Bourgeois, 4. XY travesty against music 3. Justin from Chem class.” 

“Oh my God are you still sore that he hit on me that one time?”

“One time? The guy literally throws himself at you every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday from 10-12.” 

“He does not spend all of Chem class trying to pick me up.” 

“Adrien back me up on this one.” 

“He does seem to have it pretty bad,” Adrien admitted, cowering slightly under Alya’s glare of betrayal. 

“Oh like Adrien is the world’s leading expert on noticing unrequited crushes,” she said turning away from him with a huff.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Adrien asked, slightly offended by her odd accusation. 

“SO! Who are the last two?” Alya prompted loudly, deliberately ignoring Adrien’s question. 

“Well Hawkmoth at number 1 obviously, just barely squeaking out a victory over Gabriel- I’m an overprotective ass who doesn’t want my son to be happy or hang out with his friends- Agreste.” 

“So your two least favorite people in the world are Hawkmoth and my Dad. That’s… depressingly appropriate,” Adrien muttered. 

“Besides I promised Alya we would go over the new Louvre exhibit today,” Nino said with a fond glance at his girlfriend. 

“Ok fine,” Adrien conceded, “Have a good time.”    
“You know,” Alya said, finally turning her attention back to Adrien, 

“I bet Marinette would love to go with you.” 

“Really?” He asked surprised. 

“Yeah, she’s very invested in the rehabilitation program. If you hurry you might catch her before she leaves the art studio. She always takes forever to pack up.” 

“Ok cool, I’ll go see if I can catch her.” Alya gave him an approving nod and waved her fingers, shooing him off in the direction of the art classes. 

Nino twisted in his seat, eyeing Alya suspiciously. 

“I thought Marinette hated the rehabilitation program and was convinced that it was some sort of giant scam that is going to blow up in the city’s face.” 

Alya grinned. 

“Yeah, but do you really think she is going to turn down an opportunity to go on a coffee date, alone with Adrien?” 

“Touche. So shall we go to the Louvre then?” 

“We could… or we could covertly spy on our hapless friends on their impromptu date.” 

The couple started at each other for a good minute, one grinning like a cat that found the cream the other looking like he wanted nothing more than to bang his head against the nearest wall. 

Nino caved first. 

“I’m getting dragged to the stupid coffee shop aren’t I?” 

Alya let go of his shoulders and purposefully walked a few steps away. 

“I mean I could always ask Justin if he wants to go- Oh my God! Put me Down!” 

“Come on,” Nino said as Alya squirmed in his bridal style hold, “let’s go get into position before the clueless duo shows up.” 

She looped her arms back around his neck and leaned up for a quick kiss. 

“You’re the best baby!”

**Author's Note:**

> More to come!


End file.
